How to get the sex you want

In reality we aren’t always satisfied. It’s totally normal to have needs and desires, but men aren’t mind readers. The key is to effectively communicate what you need, so he can pick up his game.

Make sure you adopt a positive attitude in the bedroom, as negativity will only be met with more negativity. “Our sexual self-esteem is fragile, so why risk pointing out what your partner is doing wrong?” says sex and relationship expert Dr Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want (Quiver, $22.95).

“Never say, ‘I hate it when you go to the left’, instead say ‘I love it when you go to the right’. When you point out what works for you, you’ll get more of it!” Feel free to thank us later.

Bad romance

There’s a time and a place for ‘wham bam, thank you, ma’am’ hard and fast sex. Sure it can be fun and exhilarating, but chances are if you react well to it once, then your partner is going to think that’s what you’re into – all of the time. It sounds cheesy but sometime you want to make love, rather than make the bed break.

“Try telling your partner, ‘It really turns me on when you start off slow’,” suggest Dr Nelson. No guy on earth is going to do the opposite of what you ask for. You being turned on is his ultimate turn-on, after all. “Don’t be afraid to be specific with what you want, as your idea of romantic sex might be different from his,” she says. He’s not just in it for himself – making sure you’re satisfied is part of his mission, so he needs to know what works for you.

Upstairs, downstairs

Some guys don’t dig it, while other guys love nothing more than a trip downtown. An others, says Dr Nelson, are simply just shy. “Some men aren’t sure how to do it, or they might be unclear about whether you even like oral sex.” If your partner falls into this category, try some verbal encouragement while you’re in the middle of a passionate moment. “Say, ‘I would love to feel your mouth down there’ of ‘Please let me feel your tongue’,” Dr Nelson suggests.

If that’s too forward, try some body language. There’s nothing wrong with a subtle push of his head in the direction that you want it to go! “When he does venture down there, give him verbal encouragement when he gets it right,” advises Dr Nelson. “The more noise you make the better. No-one gives a man a better map to your body than you.”

A is for arousal

Women are built differently to men. Show a guy your boobs, or a picture of your boobs and he’ll pretty much be ready for action. For us, arousal is often a slower process, which some guys get frustrated with - or don’t understand at all. “If things are moving too fast, try to slow the pace down by taking charge of the foreplay. Men prefer to be touched in their more sensitive parts sooner, whereas women like to be touched on their hands, face and arms first before their intimate areas are approached,” Dr Nelson points out.

She recommends trying this strategy out on him by touching his face and chest, massaging his back and butt and allowing him to appreciate foreplay.  If he’s still acting like Speedy Gonzales, be more direct. “Tell him, ‘I really want to enjoy this, let’s make it last’,” she adds.

To-do list

Whether you want to have sex in public, try a threesome or role-play, talking to your partner about your fantasies can be awkward. But having a sexy bucket-list is totally normal – not to mention beneficial to your bedroom times. “Acting out fantasies is a great way to create erotic energy and spice things up,” says Dr Nelson. “You can share your fantasy by whispering it in your partner’s ear when you’re already in the heat of the moment – it will intrigue him and turn him on.”

If you’re not game enough for dirty talk, Dr Nelson suggests what she calls the “dream fantasy” trick. “Tell him you had a sexy dream about the two of you and tell him your fantasy as though you acted it out in your dream the night before. Make sure you tell him how hot the dream was for you and that you’d like to make it come true.”