Coping with infertility

Twenty-four-year-old Jo Palmes describes holding her friend's children as "delicious pain". Why? More than anything she wants a baby, but that's not possible.

"I found out that I was infertile about four years ago," she explains. "My partner and I had been trying to fall pregnant and I expected it to happen relatively quickly - I was young after all! But month after month passed and I had a feeling that something wasn't right.

"I went to the gynaecologist and was diagnosed with PCOS [polycystic ovary syndrome, a condition that results in an imbalance of female sex hormones which can cause infertility]. As someone who has always wanted to be a mother, I felt like everything I had planned for had been completely ripped out from under me. I was devastated."

Infertility - defined by Access Australia (access.org.au) as when a couple has not conceived after 12 months of regular unprotected sexual intercourse - happens in around 15 percent of relationships in Australia.

In approximately 40 percent of cases, the problem is a male factor and 40 percent a female factor. The other 20 percent is a problem with both the male and female or the cause is unknown.

Jo, whose husband was also recently diagnosed as infertile, is quite open about their struggles and the sadness surrounding their inability to conceive naturally. "To discover there is absolutely no way to get pregnant together, or at least have a baby that is biologically his or mine … there really are no words," she confesses.

Not everyone going through the pain of infertility feels comfortable talking about it. Just recently a couple in Florida took their struggle to a new level when, instead of confiding in family and friends and asking for monetary support for IVF treatments, they posted their story on a crowd funding website in the hope of raising the required cash.

The extreme level of secrecy this couple adopted is something that Fran Meadows can relate to. "Our journey with infertility was a silent one," she admits. "I was married at 26, and like any other couple we thought we would fall pregnant without even trying. But we did try, and at 29, I still wasn't pregnant. The only people who knew were us, the doctors and my psychologist."

Although she felt like it at the time, Fran wasn't alone. Lee Battye, general manager of Fertility SA (fertilitysa.com.au) in Adelaide, estimates that about 70 percent of Fertility SA's patients are incredibly private about undergoing fertility treatment. "When our clinic was established in 2009, we made a conscious decision to maintain a low-key street presence, as we are aware that many of our patients prefer privacy and discretion," she says.

But with so many couples dealing with infertility, why aren't more people talking about it?

One possible reason is the stigma surrounding male infertility. "There are still prevailing prejudices in our society about male infertility and masculinity that frequently lead to people maintaining secrecy," explains Battye.

Jo says she sees her husband ridiculed and made to feel like less of a man because of his infertility. "His so-called mates suggested that they show him 'how to get the job done'. Needless to say, they weren't our friends for much longer," she recalls.

Battye also says that people facing infertility struggles and treatments will keep it from others because they find it difficult to speak to well-meaning loved ones who will give advice or continually ask about the outcome of a fertility treatment, which is especially hard when it hasn't been successful.

For Fran, who was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility", it was her family who she felt would pry too much and put extra pressure on her and her husband. "I was wary of them knowing about every doctor's appointment; I felt it would have placed extra stress on me, particularly once I had cancelled or failed IVF (in-vitro fertilisation) cycles.

Dealing with the questions and comments from family, friends and even people I didn't know was really tough. Usually I'd just grit my teeth, smile and say, 'When the time is right, we'll have a child', or, 'When I know, you'll know'."
 
Being asked when she'll start a family is something that Jo gets quite a lot, even though she's still young. "The question stings, but I take a deep breath and plunge into [the explanation]. I think infertility is a silent issue, and it shouldn't be, so I'm usually pretty open about our situation. How can you get support if you don't speak up?" she points out.

With infertility comes the realisation that IVF treatments may be the only way to become pregnant.

If dealing with infertility and all it entails - the stigma, the financial burden and the emotional turmoil - wasn't enough, the stress it puts on a relationship can be an added pressure some may not be able to survive.

"It has challenged our marriage," admits Jo. "I am a big communicator and my husband tends to bottle things up. It has been very difficult, navigating all our different options and it has been a long road. But ultimately it has strengthened our relationship and brought us together in a way that I don't think would have happened without it."

Fran agrees. "My husband and I argued about things like stopping treatments or my anger and emotions getting the better of me. It is an emotional and financial struggle, but we stayed strong. Talking to a psychologist helped, because I was able to get my feelings, anger and emotions out and talk about the things that meant a lot to me without being judged."

After suffering a devastating miscarriage at 25 weeks, Fran fell pregnant a second time through IVF and now has a healthy three-year-old son. Her painful journey with infertility and her decision to keep it a secret from her friends and family is something that she'll never forget, and it has inspired her to help other women in her position.

"My infertility and miscarriage made me feel so ashamed," she admits. "A woman is supposed to be able to have a child naturally and I felt like less of one because I couldn't. But I am now on the other side of it and hearing my success story does give other women a sense of hope that they will soon be where I am. I am very involved in online support group chats on Facebook and Twitter, and many men and women have contacted me through my website (secretinfertility.com) to share their stories and gain some emotional support.

"I don't regret keeping my infertility a secret, but I do wish that I had looked online to find a support network. I was so embarrassed and thought I was the only one going through it. But that was far from the truth."

It's stories like Fran's and a supportive online community that help Jo remain strong. "Infertility can be soul-sapping and it has completely changed my life. But my husband and I are planning on using a donor and doing an IVF cycle at the end of the year, so hopefully our dream of becoming parents will finally become a reality."

What to do if you don't know where to turn.

"Infertility can be an isolating experience," says Battye. "For extra support, try online forums on sites such as bellybelly.com.au and bubhub.com.au where patients can share experiences, outcomes of treatments and recommendations on providers with other people who have been through similar treatment.

Talking to a counsellor or psychologist who understands the ups and downs of infertility and aspects of treatment or pregnancy loss can also help couples with the feelings they are experiencing."

Are you struggling with infertility? Share your story with us at cleo@acpmagazines.com.au with 'Website: Infertility' in the subject line.