In praise of breasts

There is something unsettling about having to explain why a particular female body part is a 'good thing'. Especially as a man. Of course, all boobs are great. To say otherwise is to reveal yourself as a sexist buffoon; an anachronistic nitwit with mummy issues. An 'Alan Jones', if you will. All boobs are great, just like all vaginas are great, and all legs are great, and all bums are great, and all shoulder blades are great, and all nasal septums are great. Women, as a whole, are great. Especially the ones that deign to share themselves sexually with men. Men are particularly fond of those ones.

The purpose of this story, however, is not for me to tell you that men are fond of your breasts. You know that already, because every man you've ever been with enjoys nothing more than a grabby, rough-handed tit squeeze as a precursor to a quick poke. There is, of course, a science-y explanation for men's fascination with your upper ventral region. Charles Darwin reckoned men subconsciously select mates who appear capable of reproduction; a shapely bosom sets off a little genetically installed bell in a man's brain urging him to procreate.

No, the purpose is to explore the notion that you, CLEO reader, might fear there is something wrong with your boobs. Perhaps you're worried they're too big, or too small, or not teardrop-shaped enough, or a bit too far apart, or a bit funny-looking
in a bikini or one's a bit lower than the other. If you think that, please stop it. Immediately.
 
I can assure you that your breasts are perfectly fine as they are, and if you currently find yourself dating a fellow who has happened to mention otherwise, may I recommend that you tell the loathsome prick to find another place to park his genitalia.

I felt my first pair of breasts at the age of 16; like all things in the sexual realm, I was a late bloomer. There was nothing unique about my first physical contact with boobs: just another awkward, fumbling teenage rite of passage that exists now as little more than an uncomfortable memory (for her, mainly). But I won't lie: it was amazing. They were amazing.

I should at this point clarify a previous statement: when I said "all boobs are great", what I actually meant was "your boobs are great". Saying "all boobs are great" is to view boobs as an independent entity somehow separate from the person they're attached to. While I'll candidly admit that my gaze will occasionally wander below the chin (Charles Darwin, etc), assessing breasts as a component with measurable value seems pretty damn silly to me. Not to mention astoundingly offensive.

Breasts are not sandwich fillings (stay with me here). Salami is delicious. I can enjoy salami on its own or as part of a whole sandwich and come to the conclusion that both are great. I cannot do the same with breasts. You are not a collection of ingredients that can be picked apart or reassembled in a way that pleases men most: "I'll have the blue eyes; hold the gherkin."
 
A man might find a particular part of you alluring, but a relationship should not rise and fall on the size of your feet or whether your earlobe is attached or free-hanging. And if it does, see my earlier comment about "loathsome pricks".

If you are unhappy with your breasts, ask yourself why. I'll bet you 10 bucks it's got nothing to do with your self-esteem and more to do with 'what other people think'. Doing something on the basis of 'what other people think' is the second-worst reason ever to do anything after 'Satan told me to do it'.

I have a friend in her early 30s with a couple of kids who, once she's saved the money, intends to have her boobs done. Her boobs are fine, but she's worried her husband will lose interest in her post-birth, post-breastfeeding body. Her husband, for his part, has apparently given no such indication, either in word or deed. You would hope that after being together for over a decade and raising two children that their relationship has transcended mere physical attraction; the things that bind them together are far more lasting than what he thinks of her breasts. She seems unable to understand that.

Yes, men will like some parts of you more than other parts. Some will like them less. The point is that you may very well think that getting bigger/smaller/rounder/higher breasts is important to you and it's not for me or anyone else to say that you're
wrong. It's your body; knock yourself out. But make sure you're doing it because you want to, and not because you are trying to earn higher marks on some mythical scorecard.

Cleavage vs covered-up at the Emmys