"I've got a husband and a boyfriend"

When 29-year-old Emma* met Rob*, she never imagined that they'd be married a year later. She probably also never thought that after marriage, she would have another lover. The couple, married now for two years, have a relationship that would cause many of us to squirm: an open one. But it's not all swingers' parties and threesomes, as they revealed to CLEO.

I was in a relationship when I first met Rob, but my boyfriend at the time was a deadbeat. Rob came along and I was so attracted to how responsible he was, as well as being fun and hilarious.

After doing the long-distance thing for a while (I was in New York and Rob was in Toronto) and also living together in Panama for a few months, we got married [one year after] our first meeting. Before we were engaged, Rob brought up the idea of us being in an open relationship. I'd never given it any serious thought before that. But as he explained it to me I realised that monogamy didn't make a whole lot of sense. Research suggests that it isn't natural for a human being to be monogamous with one partner for their whole life. They might have one primary partner, but then they'll also have sex with other people.

About a year into our marriage, I developed a connection with a guy. In fact, Rob set us up! We went on to have a relationship for over a year. We would talk, text and email most days. When I saw him we'd have crazy sex and talk about art. Rob and I run a business together, so it was awesome to have really great sex with someone else and not have to think, 'Oh, we need to go and work on that presentation'.

Rob has slept with two other women since we've been together. The first time I was livid. Rob was pretty vague when he said 'something might happen' with the other girl. I thought they were just going to muck around, but the next day Rob told me that they'd had sex.Since then, we've learnt that we need to communicate with each other before sleeping with someone else. Our other main ground rule is that safety is important: we always use protection.

There are more things you have to work through as a couple, but being open makes me feel closer to Rob as I don't have to keep anything from him. He's my main man, but if I want to have sex with other people or have another boyfriend, it doesn't take away from my relationship with him. You don't only have one friend, or one pair of shoes!

Rob's story

"I haven't ever really believed in monogamy. To be completely honest, it probably comes from my own desire to have sex with lots of women. And if my partner has the same desire that I do, who am I to say 'you can't do that'? As Emma's partner in life, I should want to do whatever is going to make her happy.

I was always excited to see Emma when she got home from seeing her boyfriend. She always seemed very happy after she saw him, and I like seeing her happy. And then we'd usually have great sex!

Before I sleep with anyone else, I talk to Emma. If I can't get in contact with her, then it's not happening. We also each have the right to veto if we don't want the other to sleep with someone else for whatever reason. It wouldn't make you feel grounded if your partner could just go and hook up with someone else without you having a say."
 

The expert's view

Sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (drnikkig.com.au) says an open relationship can work for some couples - but isn't right for all.

"You have to have excellent communication in your relationship. If you're someone who gets jealous or shuts off your emotions, then [it's] not for you," Dr Goldstein warns. "You also have to make sure both parties are in an open relationship for the right reasons. Sometimes one partner goes along with it because they fear that if they don't their partner will cheat anyway."

Dr Goldstein says it can open your relationship up to risks, both physically (increased chance of contracting an STI) and emotionally (because of the potential for love to blossom from a sexual encounter). "You need to be able to change and update the rules," Dr Goldstein says. "[And] you need to have an emergency signal if one of you wants to say, 'This has to stop here'."
 
As told to Erin Van Der Meer