By John Bastick

1. An aversion to nakedness

Yes, we understand that women “feel the cold”, however, sex is always going to be a struggle with you wearing your pink flannelette pyjamas and woolly bed socks. Sadly, for this to happen, you are going to have to make some attempt at nudity regardless of the temperature.

2. Stuffed animals

Us guys will have sex just about anywhere – the kitchen, the car, Canberra even. But we understand that many women prefer the bedroom. If that’s the case, promise us two things. One: Don’t make us fight for bed space with 101 of your teddy bears. And two: Never, ever talk to them. It isn’t cute; it’s just creepy.

3. Seeing pics of your mum

The passion is flowing, bodies are entwined … then we look up to see your mother peering down from the bedside table. It’s a turn-off matched only by having pics of your exes everywhere.

4. A visit to the no-go zone

A man’s rectum is like his car: you only touch it with expressed permission. Look, don’t get us wrong, it’s not an altogether no-go zone – just don’t be surprised if we scream like a mountain coyote on helium when you visit there.

5. Being told we’re fat

During sex, you get to see your fella in all his glory. And, yes, he may have recently put on a bit of weight, but now is not the time for a running commentary on it. Please leave our beer belly out of it.

6. An injury

As fun as your playfulness seems at the time, we’d prefer not to finish the lovemaking bloodied and bruised. Love bites, hickies … they’re so embarrassing at the office the next day. And no man enjoys having his tackle bitten.

7. Dodgy music

I’ll admit, the right shagging album is as difficult as it is personal. And just as blokes are wrong in thinking AC/DC’s an apt choice, let’s make no mistake here – The Best Of Kylie is hardly appropriate either. Yes, the music needs to be moody and emotional, but that doesn’t mean Enya, anything with bongos or steel drums, whale calls or anything featuring the didgeridoo.

8. A D&M

We’re making love, so, no, we don’t suddenly want to hear your view on marriage and children, or moving in together. In fact, the only thing we want coming from your mouth is a moan of unadulterated sexual pleasure.

9. Not seeing your “o” face

We love watching you climax: the head-thrashing, the whale-like snorting, the eyes rolling around like a Las Vegas slot machine. Believe it or not, we actually put a lot of effort into you getting the Big O, so it’d be rude not to showcase it.

10. Believing every word

During orgasm, something disconnects in the male brain that causes us to say the most outrageous things – “Let’s move in together”, “I love you”, or worse, “Marry me!”. Remember, it’s just heat-of-the-moment stuff, so give it no kudos whatsoever. Because not only will we have forgotten all about it in five minutes’ time, we’ll also be fast asleep!