Why some couples are having “alone” days to make the relationship stronger.
For some of us, there’s nothing quite like being in a partnership. Yep, some halves are just better off as wholes. For others, like Jo, 32, individuality is vital when it comes to relationships, and maintaining a sense of self is key. For this reason, Jo and her de facto partner Nigel, 37, have adopted a routine whereby Nigel retreats to his old apartment once or twice a week.
“He has all the creature comforts of home there,” says Jo. “He has his fridge, television, PlayStation, and, each week, we’ve agreed on at least one overnight trip to the apartment he owned before we were together. It’s definitely a nice break for both of us.”
Time apart for time together
Does this scenario sound strangely familiar? Mr Big suggested the same thing to Carrie in
Sex And The City 2 after her two-day sabbatical from their apparently over-domesticated lifestyle. (Although, I’m sure many of us would be more than happy to live in a lavish, uptown New York apartment with a rich gorgeous man – but, hey, no judgement here!). Big’s marriage-strengthening strategy? He proposed the following:
“Just [to have] a place I’d go two days a week, lie around, watch television and do the shit I want to do that bugs you, and then the other five days I’d be here and available for dinners and … sparkle.”
Henri and Becky, both 25, live together and have discovered that a similar scenario works for them in their relationship. Henri works in a job that allows interstate travel, sometimes up to two nights per week. As self-confessed “occasional” arguers, they both see this arrangement to be beneficial to their relationship and personal space.
“One night isn’t a lot and it’s actually quite a nice amount of time for us to have to ourselves. I’ve found that we go out to dinner a lot more now. We usually go out and do something special after he’s been away,” says Becky.
Making your own relationship rules
It has become apparent that, in modern Australian society, filled with a multitude of options and thus a multitude of choices, it might actually be okay (some might say even fun) to not always be around the one we’ve chosen.
While some people would never consider the concept, there are many others who are quietly envious. Who’s to say what couple rules are the right ones? You love your partner and have decided upon them as your other half. Does this mean you have to sleep next to them every single night of the week?
“Everyone just thinks it’s so abnormal that we spend a night apart,” says Jo. “You’re always going to have those girls who just love being in a relationship, but then there are many others who can say, ‘You know what? I really don’t need my partner around every night to feel whole. I know he loves me, and I know that when we see each other, it’s great, and when we don’t, it’s also great’.”
Is it too extreme?
In a professional sense, it’s unlikely that a counsellor or psychologist is going to recommend that a couple, in essence, move out part-time as a relationship-building exercise. “It’s interesting that the male has to physically remove himself [from the apartment],” says Pam Lewis, director of client services at Relationships Australia (NSW). “As a counsellor, you’d be looking at what it is in the dynamic between them; that to get personal space, he has to move out for the night.”
Relationships expert and author Samantha Brett agrees. “I think it’s a bit extreme to have separate homes … but I do believe that when you’re in a relationship, everyday grinds can get to you. Once every few weeks, I think it’s important to have nights out separately, but you should come together at the end of the night so you’re still a team, rather than leading separate lives.”
The danger, according to Brett, is what more and more elongated time apart can eventually lead to: “[The longer you’re not together], the more separate lives you’ll want to lead, and the relationship will just spiral out of control.”
If it works, go for it
In truth, though, both Henri and Becky, along with Jo and Nigel, present a convincing case. “It’s really helpful for both of us to have some time to ourselves and have a chance to miss each other. It definitely keeps things interesting for us,” admits Becky.
However, there’s one sentiment that most people would agree with: “I think it’s important for people to have the amount of space they need,” advises Lewis. “A blanket rule isn’t always the best thing. Couples need to talk through what their dreams and aspirations are for the relationship and for themselves, listen to each other, and then work out what is going to work for them.”
Bottom line? It may not be a permanent situation, but if a day off works for you and your relationship, well, there’s no arguing with that.
By Julia Teen.
If you and your partner are experiencing tension or stress in your relationship, head over to Relationships Australia (relationships.com.au) for information on resources and getting advice.
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