Some people say that to do the US properly, a young lady should rent a vintage Cadillac, put on a cowgirl hat, and hit legendary highway Route 66 until the cops are in hot pursuit (think Thelma & Louise). I was once one of them. But with the price of petrol and unsympathetic American legal system being the way that they are, sometimes a girl’s gotta adapt. Enter my globe-trotting saviour, Contiki.

Without their generous budget deals, I was never going to see the world beyond my own parched garden – let alone be unceremoniously thrown out of a Las Vegas casino. With a bus full of delightful Aussies, Kiwis, Brits and two (fearsomely cool) Japanese girls, we got up to multicultural mischief in cities all over the American West Coast.

Let the story begin.

San Diego: The bicep capital of the world

San Diego has extremely rich deposits of young men due to its military base, and will henceforth be referred to as Man Diego. The masculinity was palpable: jet pilots training above you, dangerous water sports to the side, phallic architecture rising to the skyline.

The Saturday night sport of choice appeared to be mechanical-bull riding, so, as I like to get among The People, I found a cowgirl hat and set about convincing locals that I ran a prestigious academy of mechanical-bull riding in Australia. I may have also told them that I was the Asia-Pacific champion, and was in the States to gain more experience, “since the bulls spin in the opposite direction here”.

I now look forward to the day that my new friends Bobby-Joe and Cody Jr come and visit my world-class facility.

The Grand Canyon: A hole the size of a country

There’s nothing quite like a helicopter pilot with a heightened sense of drama. On the day we headed to the grandest of canyons, Team Contiki got up early, clambered into a chopper, and were allocated headphones playing solid classic tunes. As we flew into the valley at dawn, the captain flicked the song to Beautiful Day by U2. Even the bogan lads on board got a bit emotional at the sight of the sun rising over the canyon as Bono belted the lyrics, “Don’t let it get away” (the Irish girls were a mess!).

Las Vegas: A shrine to debauchery

My wise and classy nanna used to say, “Never drink a cocktail larger than your own head” – a family rule I blatantly disregarded in Sin City. After drinking several fishbowls of unidentified idiot-fuel, I stumbled into the Palms Casino (as seen on Entourage) and yelled at the enormous bouncer, “Where’s the ladies?!” With a gesture towards the podium dancers, he replied, “Girl, they be all up in here!” My desperation and volume intensified, “The toilet! Where’s the toilet?!”

His helpful persona vanished, a grossed-out expression left in its place. [Note: Americans say “bathroom” or “washroom” instead of naming and shaming the actual bowl that business goes into.] He pointed down a corridor and I began my quest for the loo. On the way, I was distracted by the fattest man I’d ever seen, sitting at a craps table, and, naturally, I started taking photos of him to show my brother.

An altercation between me and a security guard ensued (you’re not allowed to take photos in casinos, even when you’re very drunk) and I was frogmarched out. It’s true, some girls just can’t handle Vegas.

Yosemite National Park: Natural loveliness

This was my favourite part of the trip, hands down. My new Japanese friends and I spent the day cruising around storybook scenery on old-school bicycles, playing in waterfalls and befriending squirrels. At one point, like a hallucination, a coyote appeared out of the bushes, jogged along next to us for a few surreal minutes, and then vanished into the forest again. We stared at each other and unanimously agreed that it was the most awesome thing ever.

So, I didn’t find my American Dream in jail after dangerously flaunting the speed limit in a Cadillac of clichés. I found it riding a bike through a national park, attempting to learn Japanese, with a friendly coyote trotting beside me.

For more information about the Contiki LA to the Bay Tour and many more cool destinations, head to contiki.com.au