22 Sep, 2009

So, you’re planning a grand adventure with your beau. Perhaps you’re picturing lavish hotel rooms covered with rose petals or long kisses in front of the Taj Mahal. If so, stop. Although backpacking will bring fond memories, it also means you’re more likely to share the sheets with bed bugs than your man. Follow these tips to make the love last.

1. Think up a game plan

Before you set out to discover the world, discover what you both want. This will avoid screaming matches when he’s more interested in checking out the local brews than a tour of the temples. As long as you’re up for the same adventures, you’ll be smiling in all of your travel pics.

2. Be prepared

I’m not talking about whether or not to pack a hairdryer – I’m referring to mental preparation. In a one-bedroom hotel room there’s nowhere to hide. You are going to see him at his worst. This means enduring low hygiene levels, examining skin rashes, and witnessing him hugging porcelain.

3. Act it up

Women’s liberation was a time of glory. But when you’re carrying 20 kilograms on your back, you’re allowed to bend the sisterhood rules. Don’t be ashamed to make pained noises or expressions. Feign resistance when he offers to carry your backpack and then just give in and enjoy.

4. Pack R-Patz

Bring a laptop and a bunch of DVDs. This will come in handy whenever you need to drown out your boyfriend’s voice. As soon as the glittery vamp appears, your partner is no longer a problem.

5. Intervene

There’ll be times when you’ll have to intervene and speak your mind, like when your boyfriend decides to wear his smelly, sweaty clothes four days in a row. Lure him into the shower and turn it on high. If you can scrub him down with industrial soap, even better.

6. Bring booze

My gran never drinks. Ever. But legend has it that on a trip to India with my gramps, they became stranded in a village, without electricity, and with an open sewage running through their hotel room. To relax, Gramps pulled out a whisky bottle and started drinking. Gran then grabbed the alcohol off him, downed half the bottle and slept like a bear. Moral of the story: booze may resolve a crisis.

7. Be on guard

From experience, I know that, when times get tough, men are likely to scream like six-year-olds. My man has been known to use me as a human shield against running cows, wild monkeys, and street dogs. Remember, always be ready to defend yourself, especially against your other half.