My friend Kat and I were on a bus recently, both extremely hungover. A gentleman offered me his seat, which I accepted, as it meant that I could rest my hot pounding head against the cool glass.
 
When we got out at our stop, Kat started making fun of me. “Oh, you poor feeble female, you couldn’t possibly stand on your own feet for two minutes. You had to accept a seat from a middle-aged man who probably has chronic back pain,” she mocked. I retorted that she wasn’t mates with the guy, so how did she know he had a sore back? She popped an aspirin and told me to shush.
 
Then she gave me a verbal uppercut: “You shouldn’t call yourself a feminist.” I strongly believe that we should all be treated equally, so I was pissed off. Just because I accept a seat from a man, or let him open a door for me, does not mean that I’m reversing the progress our foremothers have made. These are just little things, right?

Going along with it

Once we’d settled down over a greasy breakfast, Kat rehydrated and explained her point of view more clearly. Having just finished reading Caitlin Moran’s feminist-comedy memoir How To Be A Woman (Ebury Press, $29.95), Kat had become conscious of how the “broken windows” theory relates to women.
According to sociologists, if a single broken window in an empty building is not repaired, hooligans will break more windows. Then the place will be further vandalised until it turns into a dingy crack den that eventually burns down.

Moran jokingly writes, “Similarly, if we live in a climate where famous and powerful women are constantly pilloried for being too fat or too thin, then, at some point, people will start breaking into women and lighting fires in them ... All those littler, stupider, more obvious day-to-day problems with being a woman are, in many ways, just as [toxic] to our peace of mind.”
From Kat’s perspective, the man who stood up for me on the bus saw me as female and, therefore, weak. By accepting the seat, I was confirming his point of view. I was breaking a window.

The new sexism

“These days, a plethora of shitty attitudes towards women has become diffuse, indistinct or almost entirely concealed. Fighting them feels like trying to combat a mouldy, mildew smell in the hallway, using only a breadknife,” writes Moran. The 36- year-old British mother-of-two, and successful media columnist, is the side-splittingly funny feminist that we’ve been waiting for. “[But] there’s no need to throw ourselves under a horse, or even a donkey. We just need to look [sexism] squarely in the eye for a minute, and then start laughing at it.”

If we identify ourselves as feminists, should we still be enjoying the traditionally chivalrous actions of men: paying for dinner, opening doors and offering seats? While these things may initially seem great (free meal, yay!), the underlying assumptions of female weakness and male power are not helping us achieve equality. On the bill-paying front, it’s one-sided to take the attitude, “We want equal pay, but you still have to pay for us”.

Feminist blogger Rachel Hills (rachelhills.tumblr.com) says, “Feminism is not just about giving women the freedom to live their lives outside unfair or restrictive gender roles; it’s about handing men that same freedom too. Expecting guys to pay for your cocktails is no different to men expecting you to clean up after them.”

Common courtesy

So how is it that one minute we’re attending a SlutWalk rally, the next we’re complaining that our boyfriends never shout us dinner? Award-winning author and feminist Emily Maguire (emilymaguire.typepad.com) is quick to emphasise that feminism doesn’t exist in a flawless ideological bubble. “Feminists live in the same messed up, sexist society as non-feminists, and it’s possible to believe in the ideals of feminism while not adhering to them,” Maguire points out. “My ideals help me negotiate a lot of this stuff, but I’d never claim to get it right all the time.”

In a perfect society where both genders are treated the same, chivalry would be irrelevant, replaced with a sense of common courtesy towards everyone. You’d open the door for an elderly man negotiating a heavy bag, you’d give up your train seat to a kid struggling with a broken leg ... Moran says, “Seeing the world as ‘The Guys’, male and female alike, is important.

The idea that we’re all just a bunch of well-meaning schlumps trying to get along is the basic alpha and omega of my world view. I’m neither ‘pro-women’ nor ‘anti-men’. I’m just ‘thumbs up for the six billion’.”
And with that, next time a man offers me his seat, I’m going to thank him – but suggest that it go to the frail old dear standing beside me instead.