04 Feb, 2010

Growing up, my views on marriage were shaped by two very disparate influences: Disney and my parents’ divorce. It was either fairytale marital bliss or run-for-cover marital mess – nothing in between. It was all very confusing, so I ditched the concept of marriage altogether and went back to playing with My Little Pony.

In my early 20s, Sex And The City’s Carrie Bradshaw became my hero. All the women I aspired to be like were single, thriving and successful in their own right; they didn’t need men to complete them. So my boyfriends tended to play the Best Supporting role.

Getting hitched

Then I met Jim. Smitten with his George Clooney charisma, Wentworth Miller looks, and ability to look not-at-all awkward while holding a baby, I found myself falling in love with him. Head over high heels! He must’ve felt the same way, because, 18 months after our first date, he proposed. I stuttered a “yes” and we were married. I was 26.

Marriage completely flipped my feminist notions of independence on its head. It also freaked me out – and him too. I vividly recall one conversation on our honeymoon that went along the lines of: “What have we done?!” Things lightened up after that, but then they got worse – much worse. Like, I-don’t-want-to-be-in-the-same-room-as-you worse.

I had absolutely no idea how to make a marriage work, because I had no points of reference for realistic expectations.This is slowly changing with more women talking openly about it. US First Lady Michelle Obama has chatted to the press about her marriage, and Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love (Bloomsbury, $24.95), has written a book all about this very subject (not to mention Candace Bushnell, creator of Carrie Bradshaw, who got hitched!).

 I feel it’s part of the sisterhood to share what we’ve learnt. So, three years in, here are six things I can tell you about marriage that other people won’t:

1. He’ll treat you like his mother.

No matter how evolved your man may be, deep down, he wants you to care for him like his mummy. Case in point: as I walked past Jim lying on the couch one day, he said to me, “Can you get me a glass of milk, Mum?”. How’s that for a Freudian slip! Despite how he acted while you were dating, he’ll revert to childhood domestic behavioural patterns once you’re wed. Equally, there’ll be a part of you that wishes he was more like your dad … like when you want to be a sook and have someone pat you on the head.

2. You marry his family and his ex-baggage (and vice versa).

Great if you love his fam (as I do) and if the only girlfriend he had before you was his Year 6 sweetheart. If not, you’re going to have to become an expert diplomat (family dinners will be a blast!) and deal with the ex Facebook-stalking him despite the certificate that says he is your husband. For some girls, the ring on his finger just doesn’t translate into “he’s off the market, go away”.