08 Jan, 2010

Whether you’ve had a bad relationship (or five), were betrayed by a close friend, or have done things you’re not proud of, it’s important to break free from your past, learn from it and move on.

Psychologist Dr Natalia Chapanis says, “Holding onto a bad experience is always toxic. It means that the issues surrounding it have never really been resolved, and the anger and bitterness forever remain to disrupt life.” Here’s what to do if ...

... you’re a magnet for bad relationships.

You just don’t understand why it keeps happening. You meet a cool guy, the first couple of months are great and, then, bang, a crapstorm ensues. You fight, make up, fight some more, and inevitably get your heart broken. Then you fall for another guy and the same painful pattern repeats.

But don’t give up the fun of dating, sharing that first giddy kiss, or falling in love, just because you’ve been burnt in the past. Psychologist Dr Andrew Campbell says, “A lot of people tend to repeat the same cycle of partner searching and dating habits. So, the most important thing to remember is to learn from your past relationships.”

If you’re perpetually stuck in relationship déjà vu, and you’re ready to step out of it, it’s best to vary your prowling activities. Usually meet your guys at bars? Why not go to that annual family barbecue instead, which you keep blowing off?

Hey, your cousin might have cute friends you’ve never met. Also, ditching your usual type can help. So, if you adore dark, brooding types, try dating a flirty, happy-faced guy for a change. You might end up surprised.

... you have parental issues.

Maybe it’s that your parents hate everything you’ve chosen in life, from your career to your boyfriend? Or perhaps you’re still angry at them after all you had to go through during their divorce? Whatever issue it is you have, confront them and talk it out. Chapanis says, as difficult as it is, it’s a great way to help you move on.

 “We may never forget the incident, but forgiving the person is a way of healing oneself, so that you don’t end up an embittered person.” Chapanis adds, “Confronting your parents in person has to be done very carefully, since, sometimes, it can have an adverse effect, especially if the accused totally dismisses the accusation.

“Only when someone still feels confident can the face-to-face meeting become a healthy resolution for the offended person.”

... your best friend betrays you.

Did your best mate sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend? Did she tell everyone the secret she swore she’d never spill? Being betrayed by a close friend can feel as bad as a break-up, but, just because one pal stuffed you around, doesn’t mean another will.

If you feel like there’s unfinished business, make contact and tell her you want to discuss the situation. It’ll be hard, but it’ll also be therapeutic and the perfect opportunity to wrap things up. If you never want to set eyes on her – let alone speak to her – again, you have to be forgiving all on your own, in your own way.

Try writing her a letter (without sending it) about how she made you feel. Whichever option you choose, do something to get some closure. If you don’t, you’ll risk becoming lonely, bitter, hateful and distrusting. Sounds attractive, doesn’t it?

... you’re permanently stuck at regret central.

If you’re drowning in regret because of all the supposed “major mistakes” you’ve made and everything that “could’ve been”, you’re basically giving up your future to dwell in the past. There’s simply no point putting all your energy into experiences that you can’t go back and change. The only thing that it will result in is more anger, sadness and stress.

Missed out on that awesome job because you were crazy-nervous during the interview? Messed up your only opportunity to talk to the guy you’ve had a crush on? Don’t stress about the fact that, if you were cool and calm, you would’ve had success. Treat the negative experience as a life lesson; something to learn from so it won’t happen again.

In these cases, always remember to stay calm and keep your mind clear during an interview, or first date, and adopt ways to help you do so. Use your mistakes to make yourself smarter and stronger.