26 Mar, 2010

Lisa, 27, has been with her boyfriend for six years and, at this stage, they’re pretty much like a married couple – minus the ring and certificate. “[Being mistaken for a married couple] was cute at first, but, one day, after making dinner and having an hour-long phone chat with his parents about their various health problems, I realised that’s exactly what I’d become – a reluctant wife.”

Welcome to the new romantic rite of passage – A Little Bit Married.

The new “marriage”

Hannah Seligson, author of A Little Bit Married (Da Capo Press, $32.95), first noticed the Gen-Y phenomenon from personal experience. When she and her long-term boyfriend split up, she realised it felt more like a divorce, because they’d become so intertwined in each other’s families and lives. “There is now a stopgap between dating and marriage,” Seligson explains.

“Firstly, there’s been a huge increase in the number of couples cohabiting. Secondly, marriage is being delayed. Thirdly, there’s no rush to reach the milestones that once marked adulthood – marriage, kids, a mortgage. Growing up is for your thirties or later.”

Good practice

Despite the stereotype, most women definitely aren’t the marriage-obsessed harpies that you see in flicks like Bride Wars. That’s why a properly balanced A Little Bit Married situation can benefit a couple if they’re both on the same page about what they want for the future – whether it’s marriage or not.

“In its best form, the A Little Bit Married stage can give couples their marriage training wheels. It’s a time when they can grow and evolve as a couple. Plus, studies have shown that tying the knot after you’ve attained some financial and emotional maturity is a good thing.”

However, these relationships can sour when one person realises they want something more than what their lover’s committing to. The main con of this situation? “Wasting precious time, especially for women who want children,” says Seligson. “That’s why it’s imperative to communicate what being A Little Bit Married means to you and your partner.”

Commitment shy?

So you and him are in an A Little Bit Married relationship, but you’ve always pictured yourself with a wedding band and a gaggle of kids. Does that mean the relationship is doomed and that he’ll never commit? “Definitely not,” says Seligson. “These days, men are in no rush to propose.

That being said, many do want to get married – it’s just the time-frame. Women, typically, are a little ahead of the guys when it comes to the nuptial timetable. Of the hundred A Little Bit Marrieds I interviewed, I’d say over three-quarters of them eventually got married.”